Day: May 15, 2016

The Dating Game

I mean it when I say that I like dating in such a big city as London. Not that I’m not ready for a relationship but if I don’t meet the right guy, I’ll still shag him and life goes on. Needless to say that I get my share of freaks from hell and heartache from time to time but that’s what friends are there for and I see it as the rule of the dating game.

I’m cute and young so just for the sake of the ones who are not or not anymore or who don’t want to, I have to enjoy as much as possible while I can. That’s my opinion and I’ll stick to it.

Good looks

I don’t know what I’m thinking today. I’ve been obsessed the whole day with people who are good looking and how lucky they are. It’s not jealousy as I'm not ugly myself in the 1st place and I don’t even want to be a stunner that everyone stares at in awe anytime I walk into a room. Good job I don’t care about that because I’d be miserable otherwise. Actually, I wouldn’t mind being a stunner just for 24 hours or better, 48 so I know what I’d look like upon waking up.

Good looks are a true benefit though. A study has proved that nice-featured people tend to be more successful than say, the not-so-nice-featured ones. Some people managed to get paid to think about what good looks bring. Good on them!

I remember at school where guys and girls were popular mainly thanks to their good looks. Coming from a rich family was the ultimate cooler than cool. Still is!

Although I wasn’t ugly, I wasn’t good looking enough nor rich enough to be cool and popular. A new class had to be created for people like me; the nice ones. I was told I had the reputation of being a nice guy. Neither cool nor rich, just nice... Oh well.

I can’t think of any disadvantage of being pretty. It would be different if I were a girl but for men, it’s all good. We are even said to be sexy with white hair when we become silver foxes. People don’t seem to care as much either if or when we grow a spare tyre around the waist or have wrinkles on the face. When that happens to me, I’ll seriously have to fill in the gaps of my looks with nice personality. Just what I’ve always done.

Happily Ever After

Happily ever after, happily ever fucking after! I don’t think so.

I’m so sick of all these novels and movies, even the porn ones. They’re only about either how people meet and maybe fall in love or just give a tiny little insight of people’s lives. Nobody ever mentions rough patches and deep crisis, drifting away from each other or just loving without actually being in love.

I have to learn and experience all this by myself. Hence the staggering difference between entertainment and real life.

Why am I Me?

I often wonder why I am me.

I’ve never told anyone about that as I don’t want them to think I’ve lost it or that I should be locked up somewhere safe. I don’t think about that very often, though.

What bothers me with this “why am I me or myself” thing is that I sometimes feel like the world revolves around me. Oh, now I can already see whoever I’d talk about that thinking  that I’m just another queen who needs to get over herself and they might actually be right. Oh well, never mind.

Two questions keep coming back to my mind:

1: How come I’m there, me, in my little body and mind among nearly 6.5 billion people???

2: Why can I only see the world through my own eyes?

It’s not that I feel trapped in my own body but I could do with a little change of perspective.

My Straight Brother

My brother is an amazing guy. We’re not biological brothers as such but it feels like we are despite minor differences. I’m black and gay while he’s straight and white. I’m a photographer, he’s a very talented writer and yet we’re incredibly connected. We share a French background and broken family history. Moreover we’ve got similar values as well as conceptions of life and that’s what really matters after all.

I almost feel blessed to have somebody in my life who cares for me that much and who’s not in love with me. I always think of him as the new kind of straight guys. Very relaxed and nothing to prove. The way forward.

Open Relationships

I used to be scared of open relationships because I dreaded the possibility of finding somebody I’d love more or just somebody else I’d love or better sex or someone who would make me break the golden rule to shag a guy only once no matter how much you fancy him. Too much of a gamble.

But then I realised being scared of all this is actually the sign that I don’t trust my current  relationship.

There’s so much pressure on us to stick to the squeaky clean romantic couple model even for gay men.

As far as I’m concerned, I’m still in the process of breaking free from the conventions and allowing myself to think out of the box without guilt. Love is infinite and as I meet new people, I don’t stop loving the ones I already know. Same as if I had several children. I wouldn’t love the 1st one less as siblings would follow.


I don’t mind growing old. I really don’t. What scares the hell out of me though is realising one day that I failed to seize opportunities. The thought that something is over and will never happen again as it first did drives me insane. That’s why I’m a lot more outspoken than a few years ago and have a go at as many things as possible.

I remember the first time the notion of time occurred to me was when I was five or six. I tried set my watch three hours backwards so I could live twice the same event. To finish me off, I also realised I didn’t have any super power. Some time later, I understood that as I was alive, I’d have to die eventually. No wonder why I wasn’t such a happy child.

This brings Eric to my mind. We were at the same school. He was very cute, a bit older than me and I suspected he was gay. My gaydar was already fine tuned then I guess. Of course, even though we chatted every time we bumped into each other, I never dared to ask him out or even for a coffee. I suppose I was waiting for him to make the first step, which would be the start of a happy long term relationship, like in the Hollywood movies I was watching then. He had a fatal accident a few months later and I never had a chance to get to know him as I wanted. Ironically I became very good friends with his step sister who told me he liked me. Besides his death, the other difficult part is that I’ll never know what could have happened between us.


Capitalism is a curse.

I’ve just told my boss where to stick it just a week after making it to a senior management role. That was my lifetime dream. How sad! I felt like a slave, a rich slave but a slave all the same.

I have no guilt for the money I’ve earned, which is more than both my parents did. My teams and I have worked hard enough for that money.

I was and still am annoyed by the fact that my salary and bonuses are a mere fraction of the whole profit made by my now-former company and this money will go to a small bunch of arrogant wankers who believe they’re part of an elite. Their sole concern is increasing their profit at all cost without actually working for it. Moreover, they’ll happily bully you if the results are not up to their expectations. I felt guilty to be part of this and just couldn’t stand it anymore.

What I’m going through now is probably just another case of social reproduction as I come from a middle class family and I couldn’t adapt to a higher social status.

I don’t really know what to do with my life now, though. That’s the trick with capitalism. You’re either in the system or against it.

Muscle Mary

I’m such a cliché I literally feel sick. Sometimes I think I could only be described as a gym bunny, a Muscle Mary or any other silly name. One thing to defend myself (if I had to) is that I truly feel happier now than ever before I started working out on a regular basis.

The gym and the whole process of developing muscles boosted my self-confidence. I’m relatively happy with myself now and it’s very reassuring to think of my body as the one thing I can have a bit of control on. On top of it, I get a lot more attention and compliments now than 5 or 6 years ago.

I particularly love the feeling in the muscles after the work out. It’s the best start of the day. The icing on the cake is that I get to shower and share a sauna session with a few hunks.


What is it with this whole PC thing? Europe’s now getting more and more heavily infected by this mind numbness. So much hypocrisy and condescension make me sick.

Afro American or Coloured Person for example looks to me like it’s been invented by some whites or Caucasians should I say, as they thought it was such a misfortune and/or disadvantage that they could no longer bring themselves to say the simple word “Black”.

It’s very similar in France where people would rather use any other word than “Noir”. Bless them. Then, they usually refer to them as “Black”. The same word in another language is probably a lot less threatening or hurtful. Whatever.

My Gaydar Technique

After Duane Michals' Chance Meeting series

I’m a serious people watcher. In fact I’m specialised in gay spotting. Working in the City has made my Gaydar technique infallible. It’s still very homophobic out there and loads of men believe that wearing a suit masks who they are. I used to myself.

No matter where I am I always stare at men’s eyes. 9 times out of 10, upon eye contact the gay men will look away whereas the straight ones tend to think I know them and nod discreetly.

I’ve never really found out why this happens between gay men. I think for a start I can’t help the look in my eyes that always enquires about men’s sexuality. I have to admit that I often look away myself when I come across gay men and usually it’s because I don’t want them to think I’m cruising them or make them uneasy or something. I guess I’m just doing that out of curiosity to know whether I’m the only gay in the village. I’m so not and it’s nice to know.


No matter how close I am to people or love them, I sometimes find it quite hard to connect with them. I see some friends I really adore in so much pain that I’d like to take some of it from them.

Of course we all know how it works. Or do we?

When I’m myself in pain, whether emotionally or physically, the people close to me try really hard to help but it’s always pointless to me. It’s good for my morale to know that there are people around caring about me but at the end of the day, that doesn’t take the pain or worry away.


To me, cruising is fantastic and I’m turning into an expert! I love that bestial feel to it. So far, I’ve always been going to the same place and depending on the mood of the day, I tend to act differently. Either I walk around or I stand still somewhere till I see one I like.

I realised I’m more successful when I kind of dress up a bit. The sports kit is usually a safe bet. I tried the suit once to play it straight but nobody really bought into it. Maybe I tried too hard or it was the wrong crowd. The full monty, though is definitely a keeper. Once I get naked out there, I turn into a real magnet!

Having sex outside with guys I don’t know and don’t even want to know in the 1st place is the aspect of gay sex and maybe male sexuality I prefer. Just sex for the sake of sex without any commitment or guilt whatsoever. No talk, just action.

And yet, there’s a whole lot of communication going on in the attitude, the look in our eyes, the way we look, what we choose to wear or not to wear.

I’m going back!…


Fantasies!!! I used to have so many! Especially after I arrived from my little town in the middle of nowhere. I still have tons of fantasies, though.

I remember being so excited and looking forward to living surrounded by perfect strangers and here I am now living the dream full on. I’m exposing myself to some neighbour from the opposite building. I have no idea who he is and I’m not even sure he’s good looking but yesterday and earlier on he was wanking like crazy. At least, he looks like he’s enjoying the view! It’s always better than nothing.

I know it’s a bit cheesy but I’m not hurting anyone, am I? Oh God, I can’t believe even here, I’m trying to justify my actions when clearly nobody cares and I’ve got a receptive audience. You can take the boy out of the small shitty town but not so much the guilt and all the rest out of him. Oh well, I guess I’ve got fantasies to live and issues to tackle. That should keep me busy.

Romance Proof

I used to be so romantic as a child. My ideal was even to go out with matching outfits. Urgh!!! Now though, I’m so cynical that I feel like I became romance proof.

So let me try and find an explanation to that. Nothing major happened during my childhood. In my previous relationships, I’ve probably been disappointed once too many and now, I’ve definitely given up on finding Prince Charming. On the other hand, I feel sorry for the ones who are hoping for Prince Charming!

Reality check, instead of bedding Prince Charming, I live with an amazing guy. It could be a lot worse after all. On top of all that, even if Prince Charming was alive and kicking, by my side and horny as hell, I’d still find a way to get blasé and end up miserable. I know myself.

I’d give everything, my all just like the song says without regret to change my way of thinking. I so wish I could be happy with whatever I’ve got, whoever I’m with and stop hoping for more or something different.

I’m sure for most sensible people, wanting constantly more keeps them on their toes but it just makes me bitter and twisted.

Fucking the System

I met my match this time. We’re each other’s fantasy. He likes being fucked by a lad from some dodgy neighbourhood and I like fucking a married kind of yuppie.

It’s all about stereotypes between us. I don’t know how long it will float our boat for and it’s not really the point anyway.

What I like most about us is that now that we know each other, we can go beyond the antagonism of classes and we appreciate each other without social or economical prejudice.

Those guys look sorted to me and let’s face it, I sometimes have the feeling they look down on people like me because they think I probably haven’t studied enough to be a manager or work in a posh office. Or maybe it’s just what I think of people like myself…

Anyway, whenever they end up in a sauna or just a gym, they drop the attitude as well as the towel and even the soap! I’ll never forget the first time I fucked him. He just went mental. He’d never come like that with his wife or anyone else, he said afterwards. He might have got a little carried away with that one.

The bottom line, so to speak, is that whenever we are together, this invisible social hierarchy finally disappears. That’s our own way of fucking the system.

The Date

Hey you!

Meet me by Pic Circus by the fountain. I'll be wearing a white jacket and combat trousers. Looking fwd to a steamy session.



Step Back

Boyfriend nº1:

It’s so easy to be complacent and let yourself go with the flow of your own life.

I like to step back and examine my life and ask myself a few simple questions.

“Am I happy?”

“Do I still want to be with him, do that job or live here?”

Such silly questions help me to be happy with the life I’ve chosen and to know where I stand

Overall, I’m very happy. There ‘s very little  I’d want to change.

Boyfriend nº2:

I asked him to lose weight, which he did.

The irony of it is now that he looks great, I dont even fancy him anymore. He must have got the hint by now.

Better Before

The previous generation is so lucky. They must have had a much better life than us now. My parents especially. They did make the very best of that summer of love, flower power, compulsory use of drugs and so on. I am so very jealous. I wish I could be my age now but in the 70s. My god! I’d have loved to be a classic Colt model, fuck everyone bareback senseless and especially fearless. Anyway. Let’s not get carried away here!

More importantly, what I envy the most is the values and ideals they had then. It’s probably a bit easier now for women and minorities, us gays and all the rest of it but they seemed a fair bit more hopeful.

The thing my lot lacks the most is definitely the belief that we can change the system. Maybe getting involved in some kind of charity and/or political organisation will cheer me up a bit. I’ll google something tomorrow. I mean it. I will.

As for the Colt model, I can always try and sort something out. I mean it too but maybe the day after tomorrow.

Always Single

I am selfishness made man. How funny for somebody who’s so proud of being masculine to behave like the average queen from hell.

I can’t bear compromising. No sooner have I started feeling like I can’t do whatever I want whenever I want or just going out of my way to arrange anyone that I panic.

No wonder why I’m always fucking single. Even I couldn’t stand dating me!

I haven’t got a clue what to do, though.

Maybe I haven’t been down or lonely enough yet to bring myself to change and be less of a cunt.


I can’t believe I’ve just been dumped. Actually, it’s not even dumped, he’s been ignoring me for the last 2 days while we used to text all day long so I guess that’s it then.

I must have missed my chance. He did tell me with his little cute face that although he liked the idea of dating a little before fucking a guy, he saw relationships, at least at the beginning like car test drives. If sex was not up to his standards, then he wouldn’t bother.  That’s what he learned from his past relationships. That was a warning...

Alrighty, I need to find a bright side to this. Now.

Let me think.

Oh! I know.

In this case, technically, we haven’t actually had proper sex so there’s no way he can think I was crap in bed. We had a tiny little bit of foreplay after coming back from clubbing a few days ago but we both were so wasted there was no way we could have anything serious.

Fine, next!

Hard Work

I still can’t believe how a relationship can be so demanding and so bloody hard work. Honestly thanks God for the love and strong bond between us two. That’s definitely what keeps me going.

Although we’ve been together for nearly half of our lives I can’t deny that we still remain two very different individuals in this relationship and each of us has to cope with the other one’s past, his own issues and his God knows how many opinions.

I have to remember to slap the next one I hear blabbing about gay relationships that should be trouble free as it is allegedly easier to understand someone from your own gender. MY ASS!

Self Conscious


I’d like to be seen as laid back, down to earth and all the rest of it but I was walking earlier on in Soho and sadly, I was pretty self conscious. It was like being in my 20s all over again. What was that about?

It’s quite funny though to be concerned about how people can perceive me or how I want to portray myself.

I’m realising that I want people to find me attractive and cool and I’m still not very confident so I guess this afternoon, I went down the easy road of masking a lack of confidence with a bit of attitude.

To a certain extent, I feel different from when I was in my 20s. I don’t feel I have to conform to stereotypes anymore to define who I am.

I remember myself then, how I used to behave, the outfits I used to wear and everything, I was clearly overwhelmed by my coming out. I thought being gay was enough to define me as a person. I also felt I got myself a lifetime membership to some kind of club or brotherhood. My mum thought I had been “recruited” so that might explain it but that’s another story.

I’m just happy I don’t care so much anymore about being gay, butch, camp or whatever.  I also need to relax about how people see me and if they fancy me or not.

Birthday Boy

Another birthday

A year older, even older

Another birthday

A year older, even older


Overall I’m happier than I used to be

I feel like I’m getting better at life

I still have goals to achieve

But so far I’ve got more than

I’ve ever bargained for


Another birthday

A year older, even older

Another birthday

A year older, even older


Men are said to be sexier as they grow older

If only I were one of them if only

Now I get less and less attention

And get to be the one coming up

With lousy chat up lines


Another birthday

A year older, even older

Another birthday

A year older, even older