Exhib

Fantasies!!! I used to have so many! Especially after I arrived from my little town in the middle of nowhere. I still have tons of fantasies, though.

I remember being so excited and looking forward to living surrounded by perfect strangers and here I am now living the dream full on. I’m exposing myself to some neighbour from the opposite building. I have no idea who he is and I’m not even sure he’s good looking but yesterday and earlier on he was wanking like crazy. At least, he looks like he’s enjoying the view! It’s always better than nothing.

I know it’s a bit cheesy but I’m not hurting anyone, am I? Oh God, I can’t believe even here, I’m trying to justify my actions when clearly nobody cares and I’ve got a receptive audience. You can take the boy out of the small shitty town but not so much the guilt and all the rest out of him. Oh well, I guess I’ve got fantasies to live and issues to tackle. That should keep me busy.


Romance Proof

I used to be so romantic as a child. My ideal was even to go out with matching outfits. Urgh!!! Now though, I’m so cynical that I feel like I became romance proof.

So let me try and find an explanation to that. Nothing major happened during my childhood. In my previous relationships, I’ve probably been disappointed once too many and now, I’ve definitely given up on finding Prince Charming. On the other hand, I feel sorry for the ones who are hoping for Prince Charming!

Reality check, instead of bedding Prince Charming, I live with an amazing guy. It could be a lot worse after all. On top of all that, even if Prince Charming was alive and kicking, by my side and horny as hell, I’d still find a way to get blasé and end up miserable. I know myself.

I’d give everything, my all just like the song says without regret to change my way of thinking. I so wish I could be happy with whatever I’ve got, whoever I’m with and stop hoping for more or something different.

I’m sure for most sensible people, wanting constantly more keeps them on their toes but it just makes me bitter and twisted.


Fucking the System

I met my match this time. We’re each other’s fantasy. He likes being fucked by a lad from some dodgy neighbourhood and I like fucking a married kind of yuppie.

It’s all about stereotypes between us. I don’t know how long it will float our boat for and it’s not really the point anyway.

What I like most about us is that now that we know each other, we can go beyond the antagonism of classes and we appreciate each other without social or economical prejudice.

Those guys look sorted to me and let’s face it, I sometimes have the feeling they look down on people like me because they think I probably haven’t studied enough to be a manager or work in a posh office. Or maybe it’s just what I think of people like myself…

Anyway, whenever they end up in a sauna or just a gym, they drop the attitude as well as the towel and even the soap! I’ll never forget the first time I fucked him. He just went mental. He’d never come like that with his wife or anyone else, he said afterwards. He might have got a little carried away with that one.

The bottom line, so to speak, is that whenever we are together, this invisible social hierarchy finally disappears. That’s our own way of fucking the system.


The Date

Hey you!

Meet me by Pic Circus by the fountain. I'll be wearing a white jacket and combat trousers. Looking fwd to a steamy session.

X

Matt


Step Back

Boyfriend nº1:

It’s so easy to be complacent and let yourself go with the flow of your own life.

I like to step back and examine my life and ask myself a few simple questions.

“Am I happy?”

“Do I still want to be with him, do that job or live here?”

Such silly questions help me to be happy with the life I’ve chosen and to know where I stand

Overall, I’m very happy. There ‘s very little  I’d want to change.

Boyfriend nº2:

I asked him to lose weight, which he did.

The irony of it is now that he looks great, I dont even fancy him anymore. He must have got the hint by now.


Better Before

The previous generation is so lucky. They must have had a much better life than us now. My parents especially. They did make the very best of that summer of love, flower power, compulsory use of drugs and so on. I am so very jealous. I wish I could be my age now but in the 70s. My god! I’d have loved to be a classic Colt model, fuck everyone bareback senseless and especially fearless. Anyway. Let’s not get carried away here!

More importantly, what I envy the most is the values and ideals they had then. It’s probably a bit easier now for women and minorities, us gays and all the rest of it but they seemed a fair bit more hopeful.

The thing my lot lacks the most is definitely the belief that we can change the system. Maybe getting involved in some kind of charity and/or political organisation will cheer me up a bit. I’ll google something tomorrow. I mean it. I will.

As for the Colt model, I can always try and sort something out. I mean it too but maybe the day after tomorrow.


Always Single

I am selfishness made man. How funny for somebody who’s so proud of being masculine to behave like the average queen from hell.

I can’t bear compromising. No sooner have I started feeling like I can’t do whatever I want whenever I want or just going out of my way to arrange anyone that I panic.

No wonder why I’m always fucking single. Even I couldn’t stand dating me!

I haven’t got a clue what to do, though.

Maybe I haven’t been down or lonely enough yet to bring myself to change and be less of a cunt.


Dumped

I can’t believe I’ve just been dumped. Actually, it’s not even dumped, he’s been ignoring me for the last 2 days while we used to text all day long so I guess that’s it then.

I must have missed my chance. He did tell me with his little cute face that although he liked the idea of dating a little before fucking a guy, he saw relationships, at least at the beginning like car test drives. If sex was not up to his standards, then he wouldn’t bother.  That’s what he learned from his past relationships. That was a warning...

Alrighty, I need to find a bright side to this. Now.

Let me think.

Oh! I know.

In this case, technically, we haven’t actually had proper sex so there’s no way he can think I was crap in bed. We had a tiny little bit of foreplay after coming back from clubbing a few days ago but we both were so wasted there was no way we could have anything serious.

Fine, next!


Hard Work

I still can’t believe how a relationship can be so demanding and so bloody hard work. Honestly thanks God for the love and strong bond between us two. That’s definitely what keeps me going.

Although we’ve been together for nearly half of our lives I can’t deny that we still remain two very different individuals in this relationship and each of us has to cope with the other one’s past, his own issues and his God knows how many opinions.

I have to remember to slap the next one I hear blabbing about gay relationships that should be trouble free as it is allegedly easier to understand someone from your own gender. MY ASS!


Self Conscious

 

I’d like to be seen as laid back, down to earth and all the rest of it but I was walking earlier on in Soho and sadly, I was pretty self conscious. It was like being in my 20s all over again. What was that about?

It’s quite funny though to be concerned about how people can perceive me or how I want to portray myself.

I’m realising that I want people to find me attractive and cool and I’m still not very confident so I guess this afternoon, I went down the easy road of masking a lack of confidence with a bit of attitude.

To a certain extent, I feel different from when I was in my 20s. I don’t feel I have to conform to stereotypes anymore to define who I am.

I remember myself then, how I used to behave, the outfits I used to wear and everything, I was clearly overwhelmed by my coming out. I thought being gay was enough to define me as a person. I also felt I got myself a lifetime membership to some kind of club or brotherhood. My mum thought I had been “recruited” so that might explain it but that’s another story.

I’m just happy I don’t care so much anymore about being gay, butch, camp or whatever.  I also need to relax about how people see me and if they fancy me or not.


Birthday Boy

Another birthday

A year older, even older

Another birthday

A year older, even older

 

Overall I’m happier than I used to be

I feel like I’m getting better at life

I still have goals to achieve

But so far I’ve got more than

I’ve ever bargained for

 

Another birthday

A year older, even older

Another birthday

A year older, even older

 

Men are said to be sexier as they grow older

If only I were one of them if only

Now I get less and less attention

And get to be the one coming up

With lousy chat up lines

 

Another birthday

A year older, even older

Another birthday

A year older, even older


Flirt Addict

I am addicted to flirt. I just can’t help it.

I think this is pure magic when I see a guy and we happen to fancy each other. Most of the times, things don’t go any further and I don’t really care if this little spark only lasts for a few seconds or minutes.

I always arrange to have loads of sparks throughout the night anyway!

I feel so alive and lucky to experiment this.

 


Narcissus

Now that I’m well in my thirties I have to say that I feel like I’ve reached a peak in my life. I’ve never felt so comfortable, confident and yeah, well... sexy. I don’t think I’m being vain although for sure, I would never dare to say that I’m humble but I did work and sweat my ass off to get the body and most importantly life I wanted.

Hopefully, I’ll be as fulfilled in my forties as I feel right now.

I wish I could remember how high I feel right now so I can cheer myself up in case of rainy days in a few weeks’ time or a couple of decades.

I’m not too worried about that as since I was a child, I always knew that the best thing that could happen to me was first to grow up and then grow old. I would definitely not turn back time for the world.

Let’s see if I still feel the same when I’m an old queen.

I’ll write again about that when I’m an old queen.


Glad I'm Gay

I’m glad I’m gay. I wouldn’t be miserable if I were straight, but because of the society we live in and because sexuality defines a lot more of our personality than we agree to accept, most gay people have to follow a path straight people don’t.

In my opinion, it’s mainly down to learning how to get over feeling different and coming to terms with being out of the majority.

As homophobia is still not considered as bad as racism, we have to find ways to overcome it within ourselves. How many of us have been bullied at school or are afraid to come out at work or even in their families? As long as no one is beaten up or victim of discrimination, the whole process is enriching in the long run.