I’d like to be seen as laid back, down to earth and all the rest of it but I was walking earlier on in Soho and sadly, I was pretty self conscious. It was like being in my 20s all over again. What was that about?
It’s quite funny though to be concerned about how people can perceive me or how I want to portray myself.
I’m realising that I want people to find me attractive and cool and I’m still not very confident so I guess this afternoon, I went down the easy road of masking a lack of confidence with a bit of attitude.
To a certain extent, I feel different from when I was in my 20s. I don’t feel I have to conform to stereotypes anymore to define who I am.
I remember myself then, how I used to behave, the outfits I used to wear and everything, I was clearly overwhelmed by my coming out. I thought being gay was enough to define me as a person. I also felt I got myself a lifetime membership to some kind of club or brotherhood. My mum thought I had been “recruited” so that might explain it but that’s another story.
I’m just happy I don’t care so much anymore about being gay, butch, camp or whatever. I also need to relax about how people see me and if they fancy me or not.